Positive Adoption Language

Since beginning the adoption process, Spencer and I have learned a lot about why it is important to use the correct language when speaking about adoption.  It is important to use positive language most especially for the sake of children who have entered a family through adoption.  The child who was adopted will develop ideas and feelings about the way their family was built based on the vocabulary used to describe the adoption.  It is for this reason, that it is important to use correct terminology.   

We wanted to share a better way to say what you mean when talking about adoption.

Incorrect Term vs. Correct Term

IS adopted vs. WAS adopted- The use of present tense suggests that the process is ongoing.  It is not.  Just as a child WAS born a child WAS adopted. Adoption may be the way that a child entered a family, but to recognize it an event that happened in the past is to acknowledge the permanence of the relationship.

Giving up or give away vs. Place- There are a few reasons that "giving up,” isn’t the best term to use when referring to placing a child.  First, individuals often “give up,” things that are negative.  For example, people can give up drinking, smoking, or other addictive behaviors.  You wouldn’t want a child to think that they had been "given up” in that sense of the phrase.  Second, giving up can often imply surrender.  For example, “Oh, I give up!”  The use of these words does not give adequate credit to the thought that a birthparent puts into making the decision to place their child.  These brave individuals ponder, pray, hope, and carefully consider their options before choosing a family to place their baby with.  It was not an easy decision.  It was an active, not a passive choice.  They didn’t simply give up.  They lovingly placed their baby in the home that they knew would be best for them.

Putting a child up for adoption vs. Finding a family to parent the child- “Finding” is a much better word to describe what a birthparent does than is “putting.”  Again, it is an active, not passive choice. 

Keep vs. Parent- A baby is more than a possession.  You own possessions.  You keep possessions.  Each unwed mother has the opportunity to decide whether or not she wants to place the baby.  Many chose to parent, and that is their decision to make. 

Real Mother vs. Birth mother- “Real” is not a healthy word to use to describe anyone in an adoptive relationship.  Each individual is real; no one is fake.  To call a Birth mother real, is to insinuate that the mother is NOT real.  “Mother” is the hard-earned, long awaited, special title given to women who nurture, raise, care for, and love children.  Therefore, “adoptive mothers” are simply called “mothers.”  Birth mother is a special title too.  A birth mother is the one who gave her baby life.  She is the one that loved her baby so much that she was willing to place her baby’s needs above the desires of her own heart.  Therefore, to refer to the adoptive mother as “real” would be equally unkind.  

The same goes for “real children” or “natural children” or “my own children” vs. “biological children.”  You wouldn’t want to make a child who was adopted feel like they are unreal, unnatural, or NOT your own.  Each child should be your own, no matter how they come to you.   

Illegitimate child vs. Child born to unwed parents- I realize this one is a bit more to say, but imagine how you would feel if you were described as “illegitimate.”  Every child is legitimate.  They are a legitimate human being with legitimate feelings.  The child does not have any control over the circumstances of their conception.  Therefore, they shouldn’t be labeled in this way. 

Unwanted pregnancy vs. Unplanned pregnancy- As one birthmother I had the opportunity to speak with described it, “I WANTED my baby very much.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want him.  It was that I wasn’t prepared for him.  I knew that he deserved more.”  “Unplanned” better describes the enormity of a birthmother’s sacrifice. 

We realize that sometimes people don’t say the right things.  Many well-meaning individuals are just trying to be supportive and interested in our lives and the adoption process.  We don’t generally get offended if people don’t use the correct vocabulary.  After all, we have had to learn the best way to talk about things ourselves!  However, we do appreciate those who try to be sensitive in the way they word things.

“Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we think about.”
                                                                          - Benjamin Lee Whorf