Bonding With Your Baby After Adoption

Bonding and attachment have long been topics I have had an interest in. You see, I studied Human Development in college, and all of my undergraduate research was on attachment issues.  Attachment is basically the bond between an individual (in this case infant) and his caregiver.  According to Bowlby’s Theory of Attachment, there are four basic attachment styles.  I won’t go into all of the details here, but there are both healthy and unhealthy attachment styles.  After combing through tons of data and information on the subject, it was really startling to see how critical early attachment is as it pertains to an individuals later relationships. 

This might sound somewhat like commons sense.  OF COURSE a baby’s first and most important relationship with a caregiver will affect their later relationships.  But for me not just seeing, but actually uncovering the statistics, was really sobering. 

In some ways, the prospect of attachment with a baby who had been adopted left me with some concerns.  (Those concerns really seem a bit funny now, as not one of them has come to fruition.) 
As a side note, I should specify that I was never for one second worried about my ability to attach to my baby.  I knew I would love my baby completely and instantly.  And I did.  I completely fell in love with that little squirt from the moment I felt him bouncing around in Natalie”s tummy.  That love grew exponentially from the first time I held him.  The moment I laid eyes on him, my heart said, “There you are! I’ve been waiting for you!”  It’s only gotten better ever since. 

I was, however, slightly worried about my baby being able to attach easily to me.  After all every single thing about me would be unfamiliar to him.  From the sound of my voice to the way I smell, nothing would be what he was used to.  Unlike most babies, our little mister would have to learn who his momma is.  I was also a little sad that I would be unable to breastfeed (Yes, I know that some adoptive moms are able to breastfeed.  As much as I wish I could, my body just can’t).  I always thought that would be a bonding experience I would be able to have with my babies.
  
I knew things would eventually work out.  I know too many happy families created through adoption to believe otherwise.  But I had also heard stories about how developing that bond can be a bit tricky at first sometimes.  So before our baby boy joined our family, I did lots of research on what things Spencer and I could do to foster positive attachment.  Though I had studied the topic of attachment extensively, I had never before looked at it in the context of adoption.  There was lots of good information, as well as several suggestions from friends who have also adopted that I found truly helpful.  I only focused on infant adoption, because we adopted our son right after birth.  But of course there are also lots of resources available to couples adopting older children.

So here’s a few ideas that worked for our family:

1. When at all possible, the parents of the baby should be the ones to feed the baby.  Feeding is perhaps THE most bonding experience.  You will likely have many kind offers from others to help.  But it might be confusing to the baby to be fed from several different people.  He needs to learn who his caregivers are.  I would recommend really focusing on Baby during feeding times.  Talk to him, sing to him, cuddle him close, and really give him the opportunity to get to know you.  One of the perks of bottle feeding is that it gives daddy the opportunity to bond with Baby in that way too.  Take advantage of it. 

2.  Enjoy skin to skin contact with baby.  There are actually lots of health reasons to do this, as well as being a bonding experience.  Numerous studies have shown that skin to skin contact can regulate the baby’s temperature, heart, and breathing; elevate the baby’s blood sugar; and allow the baby to be colonized by the same bacteria as his mother.
 
3. Invest in a baby wrap.  My sister gave us a Moby that I have just loved.  By doing a lot of baby wearing you can get things done around the house (like vacuuming or folding laundry), but still have your baby close to you.  Baby Boy loves it too.  He is perfectly happy and content being close to me and doing whatever I am doing.

4. Communicate how much you love your baby through touch.  Especially after bath time, you can gently rub lotion on Baby’s skin.  It is very important for Baby to learn your touch.  I love to turn on the space heater for Baby Boy after his bath and sing to him while I get him all dry and dressed and ready for the day.  It’s nice when we can start of the morning in a way that he finds relaxing and comforting. 

5. One thing we did to help comfort our baby was to wrap him in the blanket he was swaddled in at the hospital.  Because his birthmom had cuddled with him while he was wrapped in the blanket, we knew it would smell like her.  We hoped it would be familiar and reassuring for him to have a piece of his birthmomma come home from the hospital with him.  We used that blanket a lot those first few days, and we really think that it helped.  

Poor baby had to be on the lamps for a few days.  We laid his "Natalie blanket" over him to help calm him down.

Hopefully these few ideas can be helpful.  There are TONS more.  Adoptive Families Magazine has some of the best information I have found on bonding with your baby after adoption.  Check out this link here.   

I might also add to be patient.  Adoption is always stressful, even under the very best of circumstances.  Unlike individuals who give birth to their babies, adoptive parents may meet their child for the first time in an unfamiliar city/state and then bring their baby “home” to a hotel room to wait for paperwork to clear.  The fact of the matter is, that it may take you extra time to hit your stride and develop a consistent schedule.  I have heard of some families who needed a few weeks or months to finally develop an attachment with their child.    

But it will happen.  I was so excited when Baby Boy started turning his head to search for my voice.  It was even more exciting when he began to recognize me in the morning and would greet me with a big smile.  I love that when he”s sad, he usually just needs some loves from his mommy to cheer him up. 



There's no doubt about it, this kiddo knows who his momma is.