Sometimes I feel guilty.
Guilt isn’t a new emotion. We all experience it at one time or another. And lots of times it drives us to make necessary changes or correct problem areas in our lives. So in that way, guilt can be a needed force for good.
I think that sometimes I struggle with letting go of unnecessary guilt. Particularly when it comes to parenting.
I feel like I had to wait so long to finally invite a baby into our family, that I put a lot of pressure on myself to enjoy every moment. I mean… I do! I do enjoy every moment! But I sometimes feel like I overthink my experience. I can’t just… be, because that’s not enough.
I feel sad that it is going by so quickly. I waited so long for Baby Boy to join us. And now that he’s here, time seems to rush by so fast. I’m happy he’s healthy. I want him to grow up big and strong. But I have been surprised at how sad I feel watching him grow right before my eyes. At night when I am sitting in the rocking chair and singing to my sleeping baby, I almost can’t bear to put him in his crib because I don’t want him to get one day older.
I want to bottle up the times when he will just sit on my lap smiling and cooing at me like I’m his whole world. When he WANTS to be cuddled and kissed. When I am the only one who can make it better.
And as time goes by, I keep thinking to myself, “Did I make the most of it?” I know I can’t have any of it back.
If I get frustrated because it’s four in the morning and Lizzy needs to go out to “go potty” but really ends up barking at the poodle next door, and I am trying to console a hungry baby, and I am running on scant sleep, and then I burst into tears because it’s late (or early as the case may be) and I’m tired…
then I feel guilty.
I feel horrified at myself for being frustrated when I have the world’s most perfect, beautiful, sweet, little boy and a cute puppy who was only trying to protect me from the foe next door and an amazing husband and a comfortable house…
I think of all my friends who are STILL waiting. And I think of how much they would love to have their little one in their arms. How dare I get frustrated when they would give anything for what I have.
And as I have been contemplating this, I have come to a realization. I think that I am especially hard on myself because I KNOW the blessings I have been given. I waited a long time, dang it! So I am going to be good at this parenting thing! And I will never get frustrated (ha!). And I will never take one single millisecond for granted! Because I KNOW how hard it was to wait for this! I KNOW what I was missing! You know what is WAAAY harder than being a mom? NOT being a mom! So now that it’s here I am pretty much going to be perfect at enjoying it! Right!? er… right…
I hope you realize that the point of this post is not to complain. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (I could fill this whole page up with “O”’s and it wouldn’t begin to cover the extent of my gratitude) grateful for my little boy and the blessings I have been given. I am NOT complaining about crying babies or barking dogs. I love my crying (well, actually right now he’s sleeping peacefully) baby and my barking dog (well actually she is sleeping peacefully too).
I am writing this post because I am going to recommit to not be so hard on myself (and you better believe that my husband is going to hold me to it, especially when he reads this).
I CAN’T spend every single second looking adoringly into my babies eyes. There are meals that need to be made, laundry that needs to be folded, and showers that need to be taken. And just because I do some of those things does not mean that I didn’t take every advantage of holding and cuddling my sweet little son. Even though I do my best to enjoy every moment, I can’t stop the clock from moving forward. He will STILL get bigger and be one day older tomorrow. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy him today. That doesn’t mean I took what I had for granted.
And sometimes I WILL get frustrated. As hard as I try not to, I will. But I think I need to be more forgiving of my shortcomings and more willing to just let it go and try again. Rather than getting frustrated at myself for getting frustrated in the first place (how counterproductive is that?).
I don’t need to voice those frustrations on Facebook or air them on this here blog. There really isn’t any need to share them (at least with the public at large). But that doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to have them. I am human. And I am doing my best.
And that, my friends, is good enough.
YES!!! I COMPLETELY understand what you're feeling. We waited 4 years for this miracle 2 week old baby that's FINALLY asleep in my lap after being up since 3 AM... and I have the same issue. How dare I be frustrated and tired?? ;) Thank you for picking tonight to post this. I needed this.
ReplyDeleteWOW!!! You sound like a real mum. And I mean that in the best way, I don't know a single mum that doesn't feel guilty at some time that they are missing something in their child's life.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up and remember that Spencer is right, stop being so hard on yourself - and if you work out how to do this could you please write a blog about it. :D
I think all moms go through some of what you are feeling--and I think adoptive moms go through it to a greater extent, for all the reasons you mentioned. When Noah was super colicky, and in the moments that I just wanted him to STOP crying, I felt so mad at myself because I felt ungrateful for Katie's sacrifice. I knew that she was missing him, and I felt like I should never be frustrated or tired or discouraged. But in the end, we are just moms like all other moms, and we are going to have our ups and downs too. And that's okay. It doesn't mean we don't love our babies to bits. It means that we are human and we are learning about patience, love, and putting another person's needs before our own, which is exactly what Heavenly Father wants parents to learn. If we already had all of those things "down" before becoming parents, what would be the point? :)
ReplyDeleteThat Mason is TOO cute, and you are a great momma! One thing that has helped me capture all of the little moments with Noah is that I write down a favorite memory/moment from the day each night in my journal. It helps me to feel like I am really savoring it and not letting him grow up too fast.
I hate to say this, but these feelings are all amplified when you add a second child into the mix!! You're doing GREAT! Don't be hard on yourself!!
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing Whitney! You are doing a wonderful job! Mason is so lucky to have such a sweet mama who cares so much about him:) From one perfectionist to another, try to be as gentle and nurturing to yourself as you are to your sweet baby. You deserve it:)
ReplyDeletePS: Silly Lizzy "needing to go potty" in the middle of the night. Dolly pulls that trick too. She seems SO urgent to "go potty" and than just lazily wanders around talking to the neighbor dogs;) I felt guilty for being impatient with her about this just the other night!
Love you friend!!
I think that as women who become mothers through adoption, allowing ourselves to feel parental-frustration is a DIFFICULT thing. It DOES come with a lot of guilt! Just know you're not alone and that it's okay. You're doing great!
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself! Being a mama is hard work, especially when you're tired or not feeling well or baby needs his clothes changed for the hundredth time that day, or whatever! If you haven't read this before, it's one of my absolute favorite "mommy blog" posts: http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/
ReplyDeleteI think she does a great job in expressing some of the things you're feeling, and how to still make the most of your time with your child(ren). And she's pretty funny.
Hang in there! Mason won't remember whether or not you made the most of every single moment, but he will remember that you love him and tried every day to be a good mom.
This is so true. As an adoptive mama, the guilt I feel over any negative feeling is tremendous. I bet it's that way for anyone who had to fight hard for motherhood. Your baby will get older...he'll be a busy body. You'll snap at him one day and break his heart and hurt his feelings and your guilt will CRUSH you. What right do I have to lose it with this child? This child that God entrusted me with? That another mother entrusted me with? Every time I have a bad parenting day I feel like I am letting God down and birth mom down. Man, it's hard. I know it's normal to get frustrated and we're only human and every parent has his/her moments...so does every kid...but the guilt...Woo boy! So if you can master it, let me know how! :)
ReplyDeleteDearest Whitney! I think about this sometimes too and we are still waiting! So don't feel bad about it or frustrated. I know you try to truly soak in every moment. But some moments are still hard. I sometimes wonder about this and about how I will want to enjoy every moment, and I know I will, but it doesn't mean I will absolutely love when our baby won't stop crying. It's a hard thing. Because I know I will love holding our baby and trying to console him or her but it will still be hard. Anyways, just remember what you told me - be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe guilt is perfectly normal, as is the wish he would never get bigger. But on the flip side, getting his own independent time, and seeing his mom get some for herself, is good for all of you. And each new phase of his life will bring all kinds of wonderful things, so you have that to look forward to. There is so much cool stuff to come...
ReplyDelete