Hers, Mine, and Ours

Adoption has got me thinking about pronouns. 

Unlike most parents, our baby wasn’t always ours.  And now that he’s here, he’s not only ours. 

When M was first placed with us, it was a slight adjustment to call him mine.  I don’t know if any other adoptive couples have felt this way (I’d love to hear your experiences if so).  You try to be careful about how you refer to the baby that another woman is carrying.  I didn’t really refer to M as “mine” while he was in Nat’s tummy because he wasn’t.  Not that we doubted her decision (Natalie was COMPLETELY unwavering), it was just that we didn’t want to be presumptuous.  We wanted to be respectful of Natalie and the time she was sharing with M.  We occasionally called M “ours” because that term was inclusive of Nat as well.  And once she had asked us to be M’s parents, we would say that we were planning on “our” baby joining us because just saying “the” baby seemed a cold and impersonal way to discuss our future sweetheart.  “The” denotes articles, not people.   

Even once M was officially ours, I still didn’t really say the word “mine” at first.  I didn’t like the word because of some of the feelings it seemed to connote.  It seemed too exclusive a term for how I felt.  Perhaps too possessive?  It conjured images of a child snatching a toy and screaming “MINE” at the top of his lungs.  Or maybe those seagulls in Finding Nemo, hollering “MINE MINE MINE” as they fight over who gets to eat the fish.  This just wasn’t how I felt. 

I adore being M’s mom.  I love being able to say that I am his mother.  I also love that he plays a special role in many people’s lives.  There are many loved ones who can claim him as theirs.  Who can say that he’s “MY grandson,” or “MY nephew,” or “MY cousin.”  I particularly didn’t want to hurt Natalie or take away from the fact that M is hers too.  I guess it just took a day or so for me to realize that calling him mine didn’t make him any less theirs. 

And then I found this quote that I LOVE and that explains it all so perfectly:   

‘He is mine in a way that he will never be hers,  yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and so together, WE are motherhood.’ ~Desha Wood

It may seem like a lot of thought for just one little word.  But that one little word was kind of a big deal at first. 

I should add that I very much think of M as my son and am happy to assume all the roles and responsibilities that calling him mine entails.  Just so we’re all clear on this, I’m not saying that I was reluctant to claim him as mine. Nor am I saying that I didn’t think of him as mine because he didn’t come out of me. 

I’m just saying that there is a language transition that most adoptive couples have to go through.

Nat will always have a special place as M’s birthmomma. And I’m sure she knows that I don’t mean “mine” in a possessive, exclusive way.  Really quite the contrary.  I usually mean “mine” in a proud, “atta boy” kind of way.  I actually practically burst with pride anytime anyone compliments me on that sweet little kiddo.  

“Wow he certainly is a happy little guy.”

“Yep, that’s my boy!”

“Look at those cute little rolls, he must be a good eater.”

“Yep, that’s my boy!”

“Whooooooohoooo that is one STINKY diaper.”

“Yep, that’s my boy!”

I would do anything for that son of mine.  We adore him completely.  He’s the center of our world. 

We don’t just love him AS our own.  He IS our own.

(But we’ll save that discussion on prepositions for another day.)