The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
This months prompt: What Openness Means to Me
When we were first starting the approval process, I might have explained openness in terms of contact. That is typically how open adoption is defined, and it was how our caseworker first described it to us. But several months ago (after Nat came for a visit), I found myself tying to approach the subject of open adoption again, and grappling with the words to explain why I love our open adoption so much.
I have finally come to realize that, for me, openness is less about CONTACT and more about RELATIONSHIPS. We have practiced openness this way since M’s birth -- it’s just not the way I have always described it.
I think that openness in its best form is less about the photos or phone calls exchanged and more about the relationship being built. Of course the photos, videos, visits, phone calls, and texts are part of maintaining that relationship. But I kind of think of those things as the means, not the end.
I am just talking about what works best for our family here. I know many wonderful adoptive families that do not have an open relationship with their children’s birthparents. Sometimes there are issues of health/safety at stake. Sometimes birthparents don’t want to have an open relationship. There may be other issues of distance or other circumstances that make openness an impossibility. I think openness in adoption can be embraced in different ways. Maybe adoptive parents who are unable to have a relationship with birthparents can still encourage openness with their children by being willing to discuss adoption in their home. They can still express gratitude for the birthparents that brought that child into their lives, even if they are unable to have a relationship.
I can understand that sometimes open relationships are not always possible. What I cannot understand is when adoptive couples who have an “open” adoption by definition of contact, have a relationship with birthparents that is low on warmth.
I find it ironic and even worrisome when adoptive parents claim “openness,” but don’t have very open hearts. Who let fear, insecurity, or other obstacles stand in the way of keeping the promises they made to birthparents. Or maybe they do maintain scheduled contact, but do so reluctantly. That is NOT being open.
It is my personal opinion, that a child who was adopted will be more likely to thrive with parents who are confident in their role as parents, and are not threatened by the birthparents. Jealousy or possessiveness will not do anybody any good, and may very likely hurt the child.
How much better it would be for the child to know that his or her parents respect birthparents and appreciate the role they play in that child's life. In an ideal world, that child wouldn’t feel torn between the family that gave him life and the family that raised him. He would be able to freely love both of them.
And for the record, I think that most of those feelings of insecurity are unfounded. I have yet to meet a birthparent that is interested in usurping roles or butting in. For goodness sakes, your child’s birthparents trusted you with the most precious thing imaginable-- their child! Don’t you think you can trust them to support you in your role as parents? After all, they are the ones that even made your parenthood possible!
For me, openness is inclusive. It’s kind. It’s selfless. Hmmmmmm… sounds a lot like love doesn’t it?
For me, the very best thing that came out of our adoption experience besides our amazing little boy, was the beautiful relationship we have with his birthfamily. We love them because they love him.
How could there ever be too many people to love our little angel?
I totally agree! But I also think that finding this confidence and security can be difficult for adoptive parents in some situations, and I understand that too.
ReplyDeleteOpenness was very easy for us the first nine months of Noah's life, but then his birthmom started expressing grief and regret about her decision very openly on Facebook and Instagram, and it's been hard on me. I worry about her. And it makes my heart hurt a little to know that she isn't at peace with the decision she made. Thank goodness we've been open all along because we have a great relationship and can talk about the grief she is feeling and how I can help--but I would be lying if I said it's easy for me to read her words of regret. My initial reaction, which I think is very human, is to feel a little possessive and defensive. But that is almost always immediately replaced by love and concern for her, and I do know that it is totally okay for her to have whatever feelings that she has about adoption. I am glad that she doesn't put on a facade and paint a pretty picture for my sake or anyone else's. She made an enormous sacrifice, and it's okay for her to feel grief--just like it's okay for me to feel what I feel in this situation, even if I'm not always 100% selfless. I am working on it!
I have prayed about this a lot and Heavenly Father is so patient and kind with my weaknesses and always helps me to feel His love for Katie, for Noah, and for me. I guess what I'm saying is that if some adoptive parents struggle with openness at some point, it doesn't mean they aren't loving people. And it doesn't mean they aren't confident and secure in their role as their child's parents. We are all just learning how to be selfless and show more love to each other. And that's what's so amazing about adoption--every facet of the experience just teaches so much about LOVE!! Thank you so much for writing about adoption and opening these conversations! I think it's so important!
I can't wait to meet little M someday! I think there's a good chance we are going to end up in Twin Falls! :)
Thanks so much for your comment Rachel! It was very thought provoking and I agree with everything you said as well. I hope my post didn't sound generalizing. I know that every adoption is different and I was just talking about what openness means to me.
DeleteI agree that openness isn't always easy. And I am not saying that if you struggle with feelings of defensiveness in your relationship at some point or another your open adoption isn't a success. I don't think you should let those feelings get in the way of being a kind and loving person and working towards a better relationship. Which, I know you don't and never have. It is very evident that you love Katie and Drew and work very hard to have a wonderful relationship with them. I know that you are a very kind and loving person in general! That's one of the reasons I like you so much :)
Honestly, part of my post sprung from a situation my friend is experiencing. She's a birthmom in an "open" adoption, but though she gets regular updates, she has been overlooked and treated unkindly countless times. The adoptive couple is so insecure that they are shutting her out of their life. I don't know their story, only hers, but I do know that their actions are breaking her heart. I guess my point is this: contact does not equal openness.
I think openness can be wonderful, even when it is imperfect. And even when it's hard, I think it can be what is best for the child. Not always. But often.
But I do hope I didn't sound judgmental. It is always okay to feel what you feel. No spectrum of human emotion is unacceptable; it's what you do with those feelings that matters most. Loving someone when your relationship isn't easy can be the greatest kind of love at all.
You didn't sound judgmental at all! I just wanted to share a bit about my experience. And I love the distinction that you made in this comment that having an "open"relationship doesn't always mean a "perfect" or "easy" relationship--there are going to be bumps to work out. The key to openness is respect and love, which I'm grateful we definitely have in our relationship with both of Noah's birthparents. They are awesome!
DeleteI am so sorry to hear about your friend's experience. That breaks my heart. I hope that even though Katie sometimes feels regret about her decision to place Noah for adoption, it is never because I am shutting her out. I hope she knows how much we love her and welcome her involvement in Noah's life. (We tell her all the time, but I hope she knows that we mean it!)
xo! You are wonderful!
I remember when our open adoption was like yours. Right now we are struggling with our son's birth mom's need to pull away from us. I miss her so much. :(
ReplyDeleteYou are so amazingly articulate! Wow! What a great post! You need to write a book someday. I loved every word.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine tells a story about a birth mom she know who spends lots of time with her son and his adoptive family. Yet one day her son looked at her and said, "I know you're someone special, but who are you exactly?" His parents never discussed her or adoption with him, despite her being present in his life. It's hard to think of a better example of contact not being the same as openness!
ReplyDelete