Every year for Christmas we make grandparents and birth families a little book about/from the boys. This was this year’s edition. I was excited to share, but wanted to wait until everyone had gotten a chance to open their copies before I posted it on here.
Just a quick clarification, This is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, places, and events are directly from the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual stinkerpot little boys, awake or asleep, is purely coincidental.
Are you sick of bedtime? Do you hate laying down to rest even though you're exhausted? Are you a kid under the age of ten? Then you are not alone. Millions of children suffer from adult-inflicted bedtime at the end of each day. But there's hope. With our scientific guide compiled from more than seven years of combined experience, you too can delay the effects of early onset bedtime.
Master the art of the Dawdle 
Dawdling is the cornerstone of delayed bedtime success. Why complete the most basic of tasks in 30 seconds or less, when you could take an hour and a half? When your parental unit asks you to perform the following requisite, pre-bedtime tasks, this is your chance to exploit the power of the dawdle.
Brushing your Teeth. In few other situations do children wield as much control as they do while brushing teeth. There are ample opportunities to stall while simultaneously frustrating your parental units’ desire to enforce your dental hygiene. Sloshing water from the faucet, refusing to spit, and chomping down on your toothbrush while your parental unit is trying to clean your teeth are sure-fire ways to create a delay. 
Going Potty. Don't. Just don't. Flat out refuse. If your parental unit plunks you on the potty, DO NOT comply; cite the tired but nevertheless effective, "I don't need to" excuse. Your refusal to conform with this request will come in handy later in the evening. 
Getting on your nammies. Delay of bedtime through this activity is best broken down into several simple steps:
Step 1: Strip down to your underwear.
Step 2: Run away (screaming is optional).
Step 3: Go limp noodle as your parental unit hauls you back to your bedroom.
Step 4: Put your nammy bottoms on your head.
Step 5: Run away.
Step 6: Go limp noodle as your parental unit drags you back to your room for round two.
Step 7: Put on your pajama shirt correctly, but drop the underwear so you're naked from the waist down.
Step 8: Run away.
Note: These steps are not necessarily chronological and can be rearranged and repeated as necessary.
Bedtime story. Many parental units utilize the bedtime story as part of the wind-down routine. The bedtime story is prime stalling opportunity. Your first task is to haggle with your parental unit over the number of books to be read. After the agreed upon number of stories have been read, be sure to plead/beg/whine for more.
When making your book selection, bear in mind book length. Authors like Dr. Suess and Richard Scary have several longer pieces of literature that will take up more time. Be aware that in an effort to counteract your intentions your parental unit may try abbreviate or truncate portions of the book. This form of censorship will not be tolerated by our people. Through your vigilance, any omitted words/phrases/pages can be restored.
Ask as many questions as possible throughout the story. The more philosophical and open-ended the question, the better. It is important to note that questions do not have to be relevant to the story’s subject matter. The effectiveness of this exercise is directly proportional to the length of the explanations required. Questions such as, "What happens to you when you die?" or "How do rocks float in space?" are great for this. If all else fails, a well-timed "Where do babies come from?" is sure to buy you a minute or two.
The Tuck-In. At this point in the routine your parental unit will insist you slide under the covers for the "tuck in." This is where you demand more bedtime stories and extra kisses and hugs. The bedtime stories are a bit of a hit-or-miss but requests for extra kisses will almost never be denied.
Some test subjects in our studies prefer to go the bedtime song route. Though songs are usually shorter than stories, they start to add up after four or five. Remember, the words, "Ok, this is the last one" mean nothing to you.
Post Bedtime Routine
Amateurs in the art dawdling think that once they're in bed and the door is closed, the night is over. Those who use our guide know that the night has just begun.
Ask for a drink of water. Asking for a drink of water is one of the most popular bedtime delays. There are two approaches you can take:
1. Pop out of bed and go get your own drink of water. or
2. Yell down the hallway "I need a drink of water" over and over.
There are pros and cons to each method. Number 1 will more likely guarantee you get your drink, but option 2 definitely has that annoyance factor that you're really going for.
Spilling your cup of water all over yourself and your sheets is the most desired outcome in either scenario.
"Lose" your favorite stuffed animal, blanket, or comfort item. Don't have one? No problem! Develop an extreme and incurable attachment for an obscure lost toy or item that has previously only held your passing interest and has been missing for a year or more. Scream and cry until this newly beloved item can be produced. Or, you can always "lose" your favorite imaginary animal. The best part of this tactic is no amount of searching on your parental unit’s part will satisfy you.
Taking care of business. Remember that potty-time refusal from earlier in our guide? Now's when you cash that in. It is perhaps the one claim that parents are afraid to dispute. If they don't agree to your terms on your first demand, kick it up a notch by claiming it's poop. The mere threat of a middle-of-the-night sheet change strikes fear into the hearts of parental units everywhere.
The Interruption. The time your parental units spend alone together after your bedtime is NOT sacred. If they’re entitled to a movie, so are you. Every voice, song, and sound requires your immediate attention. Ask what they're watching. Request to watch it with them. Demand that they stop watching if you have to go to bed. Do everything in your power to make them hit the pause button. The element of surprise is very potent if you pop out of bed an hour or more after your parents assumed you had fallen asleep. 
If your exhausted little body finally succumbs to early onset bedtime, the battle may be lost but the war is not over. Remember-- you and only you have the power to determine when the next day begins. There’s a reason your parental units do not use an alarm clock. No need to wait for the sun to come up -- pop out of bed as early as possible with your breakfast order.
We hope you found this guide useful. Be sure to watch for our next manual, Kicking and Screaming: A Guide to Grocery Store Meltdowns in stores everywhere.
