Pupkin

When we picked up Lizzy from the groomers yesterday, I was delighted to see that they had put little Halloween bows on her ears.  SO CUTE! 

And then on our way to the check out we found this little punkin dog costume that was only a couple of dollars… so we decided that Lizzy just had to dress up for Halloween with the rest of us.  And Lizzy LOVED it.  Really she did (I think mostly because it keeps her warm).  But she trotted around as a pumpkin all day today.  It was so cute I couldn’t bear to take it off. 

I kept saying things like, “Oh my goodness honey, there’s a pumpkin on the couch!” or, “Guess what Spencie there’s a pumpkin romping around in the bathroom.”  I thought I was so funny.  You have to admit though, it is kind of adorable that there is a punkin pup frolicking around our house.        

Spencer and I are pretty dang excited for our costumes this year.  Well, mostly I am, I kind of had to urge Spencer to dress up for his part.  But in his heart, he loves it.  We will have to share pictures soon.

Sun Kissed

We had the most delightful weekend.  We hopped over to Utah and were able to spend some time with family.  We enjoyed several fun activities, but perhaps one of the highlights was going to the BYU- Idaho State football game. 

Spencer was kind of in heaven.

Now, I am not the biggest football fan myself, but I love that Spencer loves it.  He talks about football WEEKS, nay, MONTHS before it has actually started.  He hoots and hollers (even if he’s just listening to the game on the radio or watching it on TV).  He paints himself blue.  He jabbers about various players and games and other football trivia that I honestly wouldn't have otherwise known much about.  I have certainly learned a lot about the sport since marrying my Spencer!  And I admit I do like to watch football with him just because it makes him so darn happy.   

It was awesome to be back at BYU.  We had fun being in the stadium.  We had fun seeing our friends.  We cheered.  We sang the fight song.  We at frozen lemonade.  Though it wasn’t an intense game, we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. 

We (and by “we” I mean mostly Spencer, Mike, and Dad) also got a tad bit sunburned.  We weren’t expecting such sunny weather. 

Notice anything different about him? 

How ‘bout now?

Spencer has this chap stick that is SPF 15.  I borrowed it before the game.  I think you know the rest of the story.  He was a bit embarrassed.  Good thing he wears make up for work anyways.   

It was a good day.   

To Our Dear Birthmom:

Our prayers have changed.  It is not a bad thing; it’s just an observation. 

When we first started hoping for our family to grow, we would pray that Heavenly Father would help us get pregnant.  Month after month we would hope and pray and hope and pray some more.  

Nothing happened, so we prayed to find a good doctor.  We did.  We found a wonderful doctor.  We began fertility treatments.  With every procedure we would pray, “Please oh please let it work this time.”  We always prayed, “thy will be done” but always hoped that this time, maybe, our little baby would come. 

Then we began to wonder… “What if we are praying to get pregnant, but that is not Heavenly Father’s will for us?  What if we are meant to find our baby through adoption?”  So we began to pray, “Please help us find our baby, in the way they were meant to come to us.” 

But our prayers changed again.  We still pray to find our baby, but we pray more fervently than ever, “Please bless our birthmom.  Bless her to know how much we love her.  Bless her to be healthy.  Bless her to be happy.  Bless her to know how much she means to us, even though we haven’t met her yet.  Bless her to find us.”  Because really, if we are to find our baby, our birthmom must first find us. 

It is amazing how we can love someone so much, even though we haven’t ever met.  But we do.  If I were able to tell our birthmom one thing, I would tell her how much I love her.  I would tell her how brave she is.  I would tell her that her selfless sacrifice means more than words could ever possibly express.  How could you ever begin to thank someone for making your family complete?  The task is impossible, and yet I long to try.  I want her to know that I am her biggest fan.  I am her greatest advocate.  I want the best for her not just because of what she will do for her baby, but for who she is.  Because it takes someone incredibly, indescribably  special to sacrifice so much so that her baby can have the life they were meant to have.  It takes courage, faith, maturity, selflessness, hope, tears, and love to place her child in an eternal family. 

Our dear Birthmom, if you could only see yourself as we see you, and as your Heavenly Father sees you!  I hope you do.  I hope you recognize what a beautiful gift you are giving your child.  I hope you realize just how much you are valued and loved.  I hope you see your own goodness. 

We think about you all of the time.  We wonder what we can do to reach out to you.  We hope we are doing our part so that you can find us.  We pray to know what more we can do to let you feel our love for you.  When I say that you are always on our mind, I mean it literally.  We pray for you with every prayer we say and we think of you even more often than that.  We sometimes feel powerless to reach you.  However, if I know ANYTHING I KNOW that Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers.  I know He is watching over you.  I know he will help you find us.   

We can’t wait to meet you.  To tell you these things in person.  Until that day we will continue to pray, “Please oh please bless our birthmom.” 

Giveaway Winner!

I just realized that I didn’t announce the giveaway winner… shame on me.  I’m sorry about that! 

So the winner is…

KIM! 

Kim, if you will just tell me which three pieces you would like and your address, I’ll pop them in the mail right away. 

Thanks again so much to everyone who helped! 

Seeing Infertility With New Eyes

I am quite the world traveler these days.  I was gone for more of September than I was home.  It was so fun, but it is good to be back.
I just returned from Utah where I was able to attend the 2011 AMCAP Convention (Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists).  It also was a powerful experience and I learned so much. 
Perhaps one of my favorite presentations was on “Helping LDS Individuals to Nurture Healthy Self- Identities and Family Attachments Through Narrative Therapy.”  I know, I know, it’s such a mouthful you had to pause for breath didn’t you?  However long the name, the presentation was SO GOOD.
I wanted to share something from that workshop that has literally not left my mind since.  It is this:
Our weaknesses are of as much importance to our life’s purpose as are our strengths.   
WOW. 
Of course what came to my mind was my struggle with infertility.  How many times I had wished it would go away.  How often I had hated that it was a part of my life.  I have often viewed our infertility as a roadblock to our progression.  An obstacle.  A weakness.  I can’t have children.  I am broken.  My infertility is holding me back. 
How different would my life be if I looked at my infertility as a special part of who I am? 
Maybe infertility isn’t holding me back.  Maybe it is helping me become who I am supposed to become FASTER than if I would have became a mother right away. 
Time has passed and healing has come.  Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle!  I still have my moments and days.  I definitely still have a ways to go.  But I am proud of how far I have come.  The dull ache is no longer my constant companion.  Sometimes the hurt still pricks at my heart, especially during pregnancy announcements or baby blessings.  I still sometimes feel inadequate because of the blessings I have not yet received.  Infertility is still hard.  It still makes me cry sometimes.   
I will say that infertility has also led me to some of my most beautiful blessings.
Infertility has taught me greater compassion for those who also wait.  It has taught me greater compassion for anyone who suffers loss.  It has strengthened my relationship with my Savior.  It has strengthened my testimony of the power of prayer.  It has strengthened my marriage.  Spencer and I have such a wonderful relationship, in part, BECAUSE of infertility not in spite of it.  We have been through one of the most heart wrenching experiences life has to offer, and we have battled it together. 
Most of all, I believe that infertility is what will bring us our sweet baby in the way they were meant to come to us.  Of course we would love to bring children into the world on our own.  However, infertility led us to adoption which will lead us to our baby, our own special miracle.  
“Where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be.  Wherever the wound appears in our psyches, whether from alcoholic father, shaming mother, shaming father, abusing mother, whether it stems from isolation, disability, or disease, that is precisely the place from which we will give our major gift to the community.”
                                                                            - Robert Bly
Ether 12:27:
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.
This class gave me new eyes to view the disease which I had previously felt was a plague in my life.  It was no longer something to simply overcome, but embrace.  Not to say that I will ever love being infertile.  But, I can say that I can see value in the experiences that infertility has given me.  I am who I am because of it.  And for that, I am grateful.