Lesson on Love

To tell you the truth, birthmothers used to kind of intimidate me. Let me explain. First of all, birthmothers can do something I can’t do: bring children into the world. That is a gift that I don’t have. Infertility separates me from people who are able to have children. It just does. It is something that people who can have children don’t understand, and I likewise can’t relate to other’s birth and baby stories. Secondly, the future of our family lies in the hands of birthmothers. If we are to have children, it will be through adoption. That means that out of thousands of potential parents, a birthmother has to pick US. The prospect is a little intimidating. I’ve done my research. I have seen how many wonderful, deserving, hopeful, adoptive families there are out there. It’s kind of like the feeling of being picked for teams. Will someone want us? Will they see how good we can be if we can be on their team?

So you see, it’s not that I harbored any kinds of negative feelings towards birthmothers (QUITE the contrary), I was just… a little bit intimated by them.

So, I decided to embark on a mission to better understand adoption from a birthmother’s perspective. I read books. I read blogs. I visited websites for birthmoms. I have dedicated much of my time recently to learning more about these courageous women whom I esteem so highly. I have already learned a lot about adoption from the adoptive parent’s side of things, I wanted to know more about the birthparents side. I am so grateful for all of the things I have learned. Not that I am an authority on the subject, but I have come to appreciate and admire these women’s sacrifice more than ever before.

I have discovered how much we have in common. We both share in the pain caused by life not going according to plan. We are both experiencing loss. We both share sleepless nights and tearful days.

I have marveled at the selflessness shown by each birthmother who places the well-being of her baby above the desires of her own heart. She knows that she could raise her baby on her own, but she also knows that her baby deserves both a mother and a father to love and care for him or her. It is not about what she is capable of doing, it is about what is best for her baby. In an act of pure selflessness, she places her baby in the arms of an eternal family. A birthmother’s sacrifice is truly the epitome of pure love.

I have learned of the atonements healing power in a way I had never before understood. I speak of this carefully. The atonement is all about second chances. By placing her sweet baby for adoption, a birthmother is able to prepare to raise a family of her own one day. She may then enjoy opportunities that she would have otherwise had to give up should she have chosen to parent her baby on her own. The adoptive couple is given a chance as well— the chance to be parents to a child they could have never had on their own. And most importantly, the baby is given the opportunity to be raised in a loving home with both a mother and a father. It is amazing to me the miracle of healing that can take place. Healing for the birthmother (though I am certain the road is long and hard and painful). Healing for the adoptive parents. Above all else, a baby who will receive the blessing of being raised in an eternal family.

I am no longer quite as intimated by birthmothers as I used to be. I see them more as I see myself. Good women who try hard, who make mistakes, who want the best for their babies. For some time, I have wanted to express my admiration for them. These women truly are my heroes. It takes courage to make something good come out of a hard situation.

I have not yet met our baby’s birthmother. I wonder what she is like and when we will meet. She is often in my thoughts and always in my prayers. To her, and to any other birthmother who may read this, I wanted to say thank you for your example. You have truly taught me more than you can know.