Meant To Be

To be honest, I haven’t really thought about infertility for a while.  Tonight, our brother in law interviewed Spencer and me about adoption and infertility and it brought a lot of those thoughts that had been sitting on the back shelf to the forefront of my mind.  It’s not that I’ve forgotten.  Infertility still stings sometimes.  However, as I’ve been reflecting on the past few years, I am amazed at how far I have come.  The pain that used to be all consuming is now the occasional pinprick.

Of course there is an obvious answer as to why:

I’m grateful.  Oh so grateful. 

One of the things our caseworker told us when we first met with him was that adoption does not cure infertility.  It cures childlessness.  Which is true.  But though I am still infertile, I do not feel empty anymore.  The desire to be able to carry children will probably always be there.  But as long as I have my family by my side, it matters little to me how they got there. 

Spencer and I were talking about this and he said something that I really agree with.  When you set out to start a family, there are three kinds of hopes or desires ranked in (our) order of importance: 

1. There’s the desire to have a child.
2. There’s the desire to carry that child.
3. There’s the desire to have a child that looks like you. 

For most people these desires are met all at once and at the same time when pregnancy is achieved.  But those who struggle with infertility may need to grapple with loss of one or all of these desires.  For some the thought of losing one of these hopes is insurmountable.  But for us, the overriding dream of having a child be a part of our family completely eclipsed the desire that we had to experience creating that child or the desire that he or she look like us.  I know those hopes are hard for some couples to let go of.  I feel blessed that we were able to lay those old dreams to rest in favor of the vision we had of what our family could be like.  A family that didn’t necessarily look alike or come straight from us, but that was designed by God just the same. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever shared how I personally came to the decision to pursue adoption.  It was certainly a process.  And there were many instances of revelation that led us where we are today.  But there was one moment in particular that was a defining step in my journey. 

I was at work mourning the loss of yet one more failed fertility treatment.  Shuffling through my stack of to-dos, yearning for the day to be over so I could go home and cry.  I started thinking about WHY this was happening to us.  Not in a “woe is me” kind of way.  More of a reflection on what I should be learning through this process. 

My first thought was that hopefully I was becoming a more empathetic and sensitive person.  If I were to go through this much heartache and come out the other side an unchanged person, well, that would be the true tragedy. 

My second thought was that maybe our family was struggling with infertility because we were meant to pursue adoption, a path that we might not have considered had we gotten pregnant immediately. The moment I had that thought, I knew.  I just knew what we were supposed to do.  I asked Spencer to think and pray about adoption.  A few weeks after that we started planning to find our baby through adoption and never looked back.

I will be forever grateful that we did.               

I know that M was meant to be ours.  I know it just as strongly if not MORE strongly than if I had been the one to give birth to him.  There is no way that M could be here, could be ours if weren’t for countless miracles.  So many pieces had to be in place, the stars had to align, the timing had to be PERFECT.  There were so many obstacles that it shouldn't have happened. 

And yet, M is sleeping peacefully in his crib in the other room after we spent a lovely day together.  I go check on him every so often.  I put my hand on his chest to feel the gentle rise and fall.  To assure myself that he is still breathing, but also that he’s still there.  I just want to see him.  To be near him.  Six months later, and I can still hardly believe that little angel is part of our forever family.  Being his mom truly is a dream come true.      

Boise Temple Open House

Last weekend we had the opportunity of going to the Boise Temple open house.  I’ve talked about temples before on this blog, and how our family was sealed together forever a few months ago.  It was so special to take M inside the temple with us and remember our experience from not too long ago.  We got a little choked up in the sealing room remembering when M became ours forever.  Spencer’s sister and her family had driven down for the open house as well, and it was neat to be able to share that experience with them.   

M was overcome with excitement, and fell asleep on my shoulder during the tour.  He falls asleep in our arms more and more rarely anymore, so I LOVED every second of holding him close while he slumbered. 

Aaaand, we got to ride a bus from remote parking to the temple and I do believe that M was a little bit in heaven because he eats, sleeps, and breathes “Wheels on the Bus.” 

(This one’s for you, Lees.  M getting smooches from his cousin.  He kind of adored all the attention he got from three cousins he hadn’t previously met.) 

It was such a beautiful experience.  If you live close enough to attend the Boise Temple Open House, I would highly recommend that you do so! 

Rainy Tuesday

It’s been a lovely, rainy, cozy morning.  We were in the nursery when the rain started.  M Bug kept looking at the ceiling trying to figure out what that noise was.  So we moved to the living room to look at the window. 

M was FASCINATED.  I have rarely seen him so enthralled.

Lizzy soon joined him.  M was sitting in her favorite perch, after all.  The two of them sat side by side for a long while.  Just admiring the beauty of raindrops falling.  I think it will be a day for cuddling in blankets, reading stories, and sipping hot chocolate. 

Falling

Today, we loaded everyone in the car and drove to the park to enjoy the sunshine and fall leaves. 

We’ve had a tough couple of days. Nothing major. Just adjusting nap schedules and a minor illness. Nevertheless, a family outing was just what we needed. M was absolutely BEAMING when we got out of the car.

This adorable munchkin kept us hopping trying to keep him from eating the fall foliage whilst he was sitting on the grass for a photo op. 

If I’m being honest, we got way more photos like this…

than we did of him smiling.  Actually, even those above two aren’t entirely representative because about 50% of the pictures of him sitting on the grass have daddy’s hand reaching through the frame to retrieve the leaves on their way to M’s mouth. 

I love watching my little boy explore the world.  EVERYTHING is amazing to him.  He makes me pause and really recognize what a beautiful place this earth is. 

I really wanted a photo of all of us, so I set the camera to self timer and then propped it on a nearby BBQ grill.

The results were kind of funny.  M’s face made me laugh out loud when I saw what I had captured.  But I love them.  They are very true to what our life is like right now.   

How I love spending time with my boys.  These days are truly golden. 

Those Dang Paparazzi

What you are seeing in the above photo is actually a pretty common sight at our house. M Bug being cute and Mommy and Daddy tripping over each other to capture it on camera. We sometimes joke that M knows what it feels like to be hounded by the paparazzi because he constantly has a camera pointed in his direction. Poor guy just can’t get any privacy. He’s got a camera trained on him every move he makes and often even while he’s in the bath (though he is always tastefully covered with a washcloth or rubber duckie haha)!

We were snapping away last night as M Bug and Liz were sitting side by side on the bed. This one cracks me up:

It’s like Liz is saying, “Who is this bald puppy who rivals even me in cuteness? How dare he steal my thunder!”

Don’t be fooled though, these two really are good pals. Liz still is very protective of M. She is constantly creeping into the nursery after I have put him in bed for the night. I’ll find her laying at the foot of the crib, faithfully guarding the baby. And she still often howls at us if M is crying like, “Guys, aren’t you going to help him?!” M loves to watch Lizzy chase her hedgehog. And he is always trying to pet her if she is sitting nearby.

Punkin’ Patch

On Friday we took M Bug to the punkin’ patch!  It was a really nice October afternoon.  Such a pleasant day to go for an outing.  We went on a very bumpy hay ride and showed M the pigs, goats, and bunnies in the petting zoo.  Of course we took pictures.  Lots and lots of pictures. 

I love the picture of Spencie kissing M Bug.  That’s one of his tickle spots.   

Oh baby, those sweet cheeks of yours just melt my heart.  He is just so deliciously rotund! 

We didn’t get to do the corn maze.  Maybe we’ll have to go back! 

M at Six Months

As you know, Baby Boy turned SIX months old!  Crazy!  I was actually super emotional on his actual half-birthday.  I still can’t believe he’s here.  That he’s ours.  We feel so grateful both to our Heavenly Father and our sweet Natalie Girl.  What I wanted more than anything was to have Nat here with us.  But though she was busy being a student and a working woman miles away, we thought of her all day long.    

(If you like Mason’s ADORABLE little gnome hat, you can order one for yourself (or your little one as the case may be)!  Spencer’s co-anchor, Natalee made two little hats for M Bug and we LOOOOOOOOOOVE them.  He will be wearing them a lot in the near future, I do believe.  He wore them today in fact :).  Natalee is opening up an etsy shop, but she also does customized colors and can add a flower to the girly hats.  Like to order one?  Visit Natalee’s website HERE.) 

These days, Baby is getting so good at sitting up on his own!  Every time we go the doctor, he comments on M’s muscles.  He definitely does have some definition under that cute chub, as well as super broad shoulders for a wee one.  And he is STRONG.  Like when he’s getting burped, he will throw all of his weight backwards and arch his back with all his might.  It's sometimes all I can do to keep him upright.  He can seriously kick those little legs too.  Tonight his bouncer was sitting next to the table and he put his foot on the table leg and pushed the table so hard he moved it.       

He loves to pump his left leg while he is sitting in his bouncer and rock as fast as he can.  He still adores his car seat.  He likes his high chair and his Johnny Jump-up too.  Although, he still hasn’t figured out how to JUMP in the Johnny Jump-up.  He mostly walks in circles with a huge grin on his face.  He thinks it’s pretty cool to be upright like a big boy.  We got M one of those little mesh bag things (I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re called) that safely holds solid food for babies to chew on.  We put a banana in there today and yesterday and M was in heaven gumming that poor banana to death.  He got food everywhere.  It was all over his face and in his hair.  It’s nice because M can practice feeding himself and he feels like such a big boy when he can do that.  He always wants to hold the spoon when I’m trying to feed him, but of course isn’t coordinated enough to get the food to his mouth.  So he loved eating the banana all on his own.   

One of my FAVORITE things that M has started doing is giving kisses.  When I say, “Can I have a kiss?” M will open his mouth as WIDE as he can and plant a big wet one on my cheek.  He doesn’t do it every time.  He can be stingy with those kisses!  Which, I guess makes it all the more special when you do get one.  I never thought I would love getting slobbered on so much, but M’s soggy kisses totally melt my heart.  He still blows raspberries from sunup to sundown.     

Something kind of funny about M is that he never fusses when he wakes up in the morning or from a nap.  He lays quietly in his crib pulling off his socks and chewing on his toes (he won’t leave socks on for anything).  Some mornings I have no idea what time he woke up because when I peek in to check on him he is already wide awake.  He usually sleeps about 12 to even 13 hours a night and takes a couple of 20 minute naps.  He is a cat napper, which really isn’t all that surprising since he sleeps such a long stretch at night.  One of my favorite times of day is getting him out of his crib in the morning.  He gives me the biggest grin in the world like he’s saying, “Mom!  You’re here!  Thank you for rescuing me!”  He is such a content baby and can entertain himself for long periods of time. 

One of my favorite things about Baby is how affectionate he is.  He LOVES to cuddle.  His favorite place is in our arms, which we are more than okay with.  When he rests his little head on my chest, there’s just nothing better.  It’s those moments that most make we want to freeze time.  I try to memorize every single little detail of how he feels in my arms and the smell of his baby shampoo.  I never ever want to forget these most precious times of his childhood.  They are golden.

If we’re really lucky, sometimes M will sing along to the radio or hum along as we sing primary songs.  He is most vocal when we are driving in the car.  He giggles the loudest when we tickle his collarbone or thighs.  He also thinks it’s pretty hilarious when we pretend to eat his fingers or tummy. 

Oh big boy, will you slow down a little already?