Trunk or Treat

For Halloween, our ward had a “Trunk or Treat”/Hunger Walk.  Participants gathered at an outdoor track to walk/run laps (many in costume).  Canned food was donated as admission, and the activity ended with the children going trick or treating to all of the cars in the parking lot. 

Well, Spence and I love a good excuse to dress up, so we were excited.  We kind of had to redeem ourselves from the TERRIBLE costumes of last year.  We somehow put off coming up with something good and ended up deciding to be a tooth and a tooth fairy at the last minute.  I got the idea from some of my college roommates.  It wasn’t that the concept was dumb, because my roommates pulled it off spectacularly.  But by the time we got to the dollar store they were all out of white poster board, so I just wore a white T shirt and wadded foil on my head to look like a filling.  We just kind of wrapped Spence in tulle, taped some paper wings to his back, and topped it off with a foil crown we made in the car on the way over.  It was lame.  So lame we didn’t take a picture. Which I really regret now honestly because it would be great for a laugh. 

But this year.  This year would be different. 

We planned our costumes exuberantly.  I was SO excited to dress M up as a punkin’ that I about wet my pants.  I mean, come on.  Look at him.  We wanted our costumes to kind of match the theme of his (because I had planned on having my first baby dress as a punkin’ for roughly 18 years now), so we all dressed up as Jacks!  We were thinking how great it would be if we had a family of like 19, because there were so many good Jack costumes that we didn’t even get to use!  Jack Frost, Jack Sparrow, a car Jack, Jack be nimble, a toy Jack (you know that little game you play with the rubber ball), Cracker Jack, and Spence wanted to be Jack Squat.  Weirdo.  I wouldn’t let him. 

I was rather proud of our costumes: jack in the box, jack of hearts, and two little jack o’ lanterns.  Despite our snazzy ensemble, the activity wasn’t quite what we hoped for.  We ended up showing up kind of late because we had an activity in the morning that ran long.  It was windy and cold so we only walked one lap for hunger.  By the time we got to our car, the trick or treaters had already started making the rounds.  Pretty soon it started raining.  Our costumes were obviously not built to withstand such soggy conditions.  I watched Spencer waddle along as the suspenders keeping his box off kept popping off and I started laughing.  It was just a bit comical that we actually put a little bit of effort into this year, and it ended up being such a mess.  By that point M was cold. I was cold. Even Spence was cold because I had stolen his jacket.  Lizzy was having so much fun greeting the trick or treaters that I think she was the only one reluctant to finally just load up and go home.     

I did manage to snap a couple of pictures before we took M out of his costume.  They aren’t the greatest, but by that point he had had it, so we took what we could get. 

My favorite of the bunch:

I photo shopped Spencer’s arm out because I thought it would look cuter.  Though after I did it I decided it maybe looks kind of funny that he’s seemingly so unsupported.  I thought I should let you know lest you think he’s perched precariously. 

In any case, it was a fun excuse to take pictures of the little punkin’.  I would do it all over again if it meant he got to wear that costume one more time. 

Meant To Be

To be honest, I haven’t really thought about infertility for a while.  Tonight, our brother in law interviewed Spencer and me about adoption and infertility and it brought a lot of those thoughts that had been sitting on the back shelf to the forefront of my mind.  It’s not that I’ve forgotten.  Infertility still stings sometimes.  However, as I’ve been reflecting on the past few years, I am amazed at how far I have come.  The pain that used to be all consuming is now the occasional pinprick.

Of course there is an obvious answer as to why:

I’m grateful.  Oh so grateful. 

One of the things our caseworker told us when we first met with him was that adoption does not cure infertility.  It cures childlessness.  Which is true.  But though I am still infertile, I do not feel empty anymore.  The desire to be able to carry children will probably always be there.  But as long as I have my family by my side, it matters little to me how they got there. 

Spencer and I were talking about this and he said something that I really agree with.  When you set out to start a family, there are three kinds of hopes or desires ranked in (our) order of importance: 

1. There’s the desire to have a child.
2. There’s the desire to carry that child.
3. There’s the desire to have a child that looks like you. 

For most people these desires are met all at once and at the same time when pregnancy is achieved.  But those who struggle with infertility may need to grapple with loss of one or all of these desires.  For some the thought of losing one of these hopes is insurmountable.  But for us, the overriding dream of having a child be a part of our family completely eclipsed the desire that we had to experience creating that child or the desire that he or she look like us.  I know those hopes are hard for some couples to let go of.  I feel blessed that we were able to lay those old dreams to rest in favor of the vision we had of what our family could be like.  A family that didn’t necessarily look alike or come straight from us, but that was designed by God just the same. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever shared how I personally came to the decision to pursue adoption.  It was certainly a process.  And there were many instances of revelation that led us where we are today.  But there was one moment in particular that was a defining step in my journey. 

I was at work mourning the loss of yet one more failed fertility treatment.  Shuffling through my stack of to-dos, yearning for the day to be over so I could go home and cry.  I started thinking about WHY this was happening to us.  Not in a “woe is me” kind of way.  More of a reflection on what I should be learning through this process. 

My first thought was that hopefully I was becoming a more empathetic and sensitive person.  If I were to go through this much heartache and come out the other side an unchanged person, well, that would be the true tragedy. 

My second thought was that maybe our family was struggling with infertility because we were meant to pursue adoption, a path that we might not have considered had we gotten pregnant immediately. The moment I had that thought, I knew.  I just knew what we were supposed to do.  I asked Spencer to think and pray about adoption.  A few weeks after that we started planning to find our baby through adoption and never looked back.

I will be forever grateful that we did.               

I know that M was meant to be ours.  I know it just as strongly if not MORE strongly than if I had been the one to give birth to him.  There is no way that M could be here, could be ours if weren’t for countless miracles.  So many pieces had to be in place, the stars had to align, the timing had to be PERFECT.  There were so many obstacles that it shouldn't have happened. 

And yet, M is sleeping peacefully in his crib in the other room after we spent a lovely day together.  I go check on him every so often.  I put my hand on his chest to feel the gentle rise and fall.  To assure myself that he is still breathing, but also that he’s still there.  I just want to see him.  To be near him.  Six months later, and I can still hardly believe that little angel is part of our forever family.  Being his mom truly is a dream come true.      

Boise Temple Open House

Last weekend we had the opportunity of going to the Boise Temple open house.  I’ve talked about temples before on this blog, and how our family was sealed together forever a few months ago.  It was so special to take M inside the temple with us and remember our experience from not too long ago.  We got a little choked up in the sealing room remembering when M became ours forever.  Spencer’s sister and her family had driven down for the open house as well, and it was neat to be able to share that experience with them.   

M was overcome with excitement, and fell asleep on my shoulder during the tour.  He falls asleep in our arms more and more rarely anymore, so I LOVED every second of holding him close while he slumbered. 

Aaaand, we got to ride a bus from remote parking to the temple and I do believe that M was a little bit in heaven because he eats, sleeps, and breathes “Wheels on the Bus.” 

(This one’s for you, Lees.  M getting smooches from his cousin.  He kind of adored all the attention he got from three cousins he hadn’t previously met.) 

It was such a beautiful experience.  If you live close enough to attend the Boise Temple Open House, I would highly recommend that you do so! 

Rainy Tuesday

It’s been a lovely, rainy, cozy morning.  We were in the nursery when the rain started.  M Bug kept looking at the ceiling trying to figure out what that noise was.  So we moved to the living room to look at the window. 

M was FASCINATED.  I have rarely seen him so enthralled.

Lizzy soon joined him.  M was sitting in her favorite perch, after all.  The two of them sat side by side for a long while.  Just admiring the beauty of raindrops falling.  I think it will be a day for cuddling in blankets, reading stories, and sipping hot chocolate. 

Falling

Today, we loaded everyone in the car and drove to the park to enjoy the sunshine and fall leaves. 

We’ve had a tough couple of days. Nothing major. Just adjusting nap schedules and a minor illness. Nevertheless, a family outing was just what we needed. M was absolutely BEAMING when we got out of the car.

This adorable munchkin kept us hopping trying to keep him from eating the fall foliage whilst he was sitting on the grass for a photo op. 

If I’m being honest, we got way more photos like this…

than we did of him smiling.  Actually, even those above two aren’t entirely representative because about 50% of the pictures of him sitting on the grass have daddy’s hand reaching through the frame to retrieve the leaves on their way to M’s mouth. 

I love watching my little boy explore the world.  EVERYTHING is amazing to him.  He makes me pause and really recognize what a beautiful place this earth is. 

I really wanted a photo of all of us, so I set the camera to self timer and then propped it on a nearby BBQ grill.

The results were kind of funny.  M’s face made me laugh out loud when I saw what I had captured.  But I love them.  They are very true to what our life is like right now.   

How I love spending time with my boys.  These days are truly golden. 

Those Dang Paparazzi

What you are seeing in the above photo is actually a pretty common sight at our house. M Bug being cute and Mommy and Daddy tripping over each other to capture it on camera. We sometimes joke that M knows what it feels like to be hounded by the paparazzi because he constantly has a camera pointed in his direction. Poor guy just can’t get any privacy. He’s got a camera trained on him every move he makes and often even while he’s in the bath (though he is always tastefully covered with a washcloth or rubber duckie haha)!

We were snapping away last night as M Bug and Liz were sitting side by side on the bed. This one cracks me up:

It’s like Liz is saying, “Who is this bald puppy who rivals even me in cuteness? How dare he steal my thunder!”

Don’t be fooled though, these two really are good pals. Liz still is very protective of M. She is constantly creeping into the nursery after I have put him in bed for the night. I’ll find her laying at the foot of the crib, faithfully guarding the baby. And she still often howls at us if M is crying like, “Guys, aren’t you going to help him?!” M loves to watch Lizzy chase her hedgehog. And he is always trying to pet her if she is sitting nearby.

Punkin’ Patch

On Friday we took M Bug to the punkin’ patch!  It was a really nice October afternoon.  Such a pleasant day to go for an outing.  We went on a very bumpy hay ride and showed M the pigs, goats, and bunnies in the petting zoo.  Of course we took pictures.  Lots and lots of pictures. 

I love the picture of Spencie kissing M Bug.  That’s one of his tickle spots.   

Oh baby, those sweet cheeks of yours just melt my heart.  He is just so deliciously rotund! 

We didn’t get to do the corn maze.  Maybe we’ll have to go back!