My Own

I heard something a few days ago that has been on my mind ever since. There is a lady we know who has a beautiful little family with six children. When she was making introductions in a group setting, she introduced her oldest three as “her own” children and her youngest three as “adopted” children.

This made me really sad for a few reasons. If I am ever able to adopt, I do not plan on introducing my baby with the title of “adopted.” I fully intend on introducing my child as: my child. If we are ever in the situation that we have both biological and adopted children, I certainly don’t feel the need to distinguish between the two when introducing them. Especially using hurtful phrases such as, “my own.” The adoptive children may come to the conclusion that they are “not my own!”  All of my children will be MY OWN whether they are adopted or biological.    

It may be apparent that my child is adopted. Perhaps we won’t share the same skin color. Even if we do, there may be other physical characteristics that set us apart. Nevertheless, I still don’t think it is necessary to identify a child to strangers according to their status of adoptee. I in no way intend to hide this information from them. They will know they are adopted. I want them to know their birthparents. If people ask questions about the adoption process, or the relationship we share with our adopted child, we would love to answer (and in some cases educate) them.

I think that Brittany hit the nail on the head in the post she wrote about how adoption is often thought of as “charity.” As she mentioned (here) all too often I hear couples who talk about adopting after they have had “their own” children. I worry about such motivations to adopt. Adopting a child is not a hobby or a project. I don’t think their intentions are intrinsically bad. They want to provide a good home for a child in need. But no child wants to be “saved.” To think of adoption as charity is demeaning to the child.

When adoption is thought of as charity, it takes the focus away from the child and puts it on the adoptive parents. Instead of being a natural means to extend a family, adoption kind of becomes a badge that highlights the benevolence of the adoptive parents. I don’t think that is healthy.

I thought of an analogy that might help me make my point. Take Sister Missionaries in the church, for example. We are speaking of Sisters because, unlike the Elders, serving a mission is not commanded of the women of the church. Most of the Sister Missionaries serving in the church are wonderful, hard-working women who know why they are there. There are some, however, who are not necessarily serving for the right reasons. Perhaps the experience for these Sisters will not be as positive as it might be. A mission is a good thing, but it is not for everyone. I think the same of adoption.

Brittany said it so much better than I could. To quote her:

If both you and your spouse feel that your child is out there, waiting to come to your family through adoption, then please look into getting approved to adopt! Adoption is a valid way to build a family. 

Adoption is not charity, but it is love!