A Man of Many Hats

Why Open Adoption?

When people find out that our little boy was adopted, there are usually lots of questions that follow.  We don’t usually mind because we love talking about adoption and sharing our experience. 

It has been especially interesting to see how many people seem surprised that we have an open adoption.  We have made so many friends and contacts within the adoption community that I sometimes forget that the majority of the population doesn’t know as much about open adoption as we do.  Because it is a somewhat newer concept, I suppose the idea is still catching on.  
 
As a consequence, we have gotten all kinds of intriguing comments/questions regarding our open adoption, such as:

“Aren’t you afraid she’ll change her mind or try to steal him back?”

or

“Won’t that be confusing for you child when he gets older?  How will he know who his mom is?”

or

“I don’t know how I feel about that.”  (Rude!)

Oh my goodness.  No no no.  There are a number of reasons Spencer and I were and are excited to have an open adoption.

But before I get ahead of myself let me explain what open adoption is, for those readers who don’t really know.  Open adoption means that there is a relationship between the adoptive parents, the child placed for adoption, and the birth parents.  It used to be that when adoptions took place the records were sealed.  The child placed for adoption grew up with no information regarding their birth parents and visa versa.  This is actually much less common these days.  According to the 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents (NSAP), 67 percent of private adoptions have pre-adoption agreements of at least a semi-open adoption. There are varying degrees as to just how open a relationship is desired.  Sometimes open means that pictures/letters are exchanged through agency mediation.  Sometimes open includes phone calls and visits.  But even though they aren't widely understood, the fact of the matter is that open adoptions are becoming the norm. 

While I could enumerate the practical reasons for openness (for example: our son has access to his birth families medical information.  Just think how valuable and perhaps even life-saving this knowledge could be.), I wanted to focus on the primary reasons we value having an open adoption.
 
One reason we wanted an open adoption was because we believed it would be psychologically and emotionally healthy for our child.  Our son will not have to wonder why he was placed for adoption. Natalie has told us. She will tell him.  He will know that he wasn't placed because he wasn't wanted. On the contrary, Natalie’s decision to place him was one of selflessness and total love. He will know, without a doubt, that he was treasured long before he became a part of our family. Just think of how this knowledge of his birthmother’s love will impact his self-esteem.

Openness in adoption fosters self-esteem in other ways too. Adoption used to be very hush hush, even to the point that adoptive parents might keep their child’s adoption a secret. Our kiddo will never have some shocking revelation when he gets older. He will know he was adopted like he will know he is a boy.  To shroud the circumstances of how he came to be a part of our family in secrecy could be to teach him that his journey to our home was shameful. This simply isn’t the case. We are so proud of the hard thing that Natalie did for her son. Because our baby boy came to us through her, he was able to touch so many more lives than we ever could have dreamed when we first set out to grow our family. For he has been a miracle not only to Spencer and me, but to Natalie and her family as well. The role he played has been special and irreplaceable.  His story is so amazing; we love to share every piece of it with him.  

I realize that sometimes the situations surrounding adoption are hard.   It is still generally recommended for the child to know the circumstances of their birth/placement at a level they are ready to hear and understand.  Even though it can be hard to come to terms with difficult events from the past, knowing the truth (even the hard truth) is generally better than not having the information at all. 

Another reason we wanted an open adoption was because we believed it would be psychologically and emotionally healthy for our child’s birthmom.  We want our Natalie to see the beautiful little baby she placed grow up.  We want her to see that he is healthy and happy.  I can’t speak on behalf of all of the birthmoms out there, but I have been told that sometimes it is comforting and reassuring to see the child you placed happy within the family you picked just for him or her.  Perhaps seeing your little one in this way would reaffirm that the decision you made was a wonderful one.  We hope more than anything that we can be a support and comfort to this amazing woman who has blessed our family beyond measure. 

But perhaps the most compelling reason for our open adoption is this:

See this cute boy:



Man oh man, how we love this cute boy. 

You know who else loves this cute boy?

This cute girl:



How could there ever possibly be too many people to love our little boy? 

We just adore Natalie.  We of course love her for the amazing thing she did for our family.  But it is more than that.  We love her because she is an extension of our family, our friend, and our Natalie.  It is difficult to put into words how much we treasure the relationship we have with her.  We feel SO GRATEFUL that she gets to be a part of our lives. 

So what does open adoption look like for our family? 

It’s kind of like any relationship you might have with a family member.  We call, text, e-mail, and visit.  When our little guy does something new, or is even just being particularly cute or smiley, the first person we want to show is Natalie.  Who usually responds to every picture we text with “AWWW He’s SOOOOOOO cute!  I’m Dying here!!!!!!!!”  We just love showing her how big and smart and handsome her little boy is growing up to be. 

While we were in Utah, we saw Natalie several times after placement.  We invited her to take family pictures with us (the picture above of Natalie and Baby Boy is hanging in his nursery).  Natalie came to a baby shower that my family threw for Baby after he was born.  We took the little mister on his first picnic together.  We met up for dinner.  Natalie spent time with our family, we spent time with hers.  We are already planning a trip for her to come out and visit us this summer.  We just love our Natalie time.
   
So, no, OF COURSE we aren’t afraid she’ll try to steal him (that would be called kidnapping, by the way).  For Pete's sakes, she is the one that made an adoption plan for her baby.  And nooooo, we’re not worried that he will be confused as to who his mom is.  Natalie does not try to parent Baby Boy.  Just as my sisters don’t try to parent him when they visit.  They come and love him and cuddle with him and soak up every second with him.  Natalie and I have different roles in our little boy's life.  Both special, and both unique.  No confusion there. 

We thank Heavenly Father every prayer we say for our sweet Natalie.  Our family is so grateful for open adoption. 



It really is about love. 

A Boy and His Pup

We were kind of curious how Lizzy would react when we brought Maosn home.  You see, she’s kind of always gotten a lot of attention in our home.  We wondered if she would feel left out, or maybe slightly jealous.

Jealous? No. Curious? Definitely.  Protective?  Assuredly.

Lizzy takes her role as protector VERY seriously.  She loves that Mason boy. 

She knows she’s not allowed to lick or get too close.  And she has really been a very good girl about leaving the baby alone.  But she does like to be near him. 

She will station herself right next to his bouncer or blanket and keep watch.  And if he ever cries, she comes SPRINTING to wherever I am to let me know, “Mom, the bald puppy is crying!”  She tap dances and howls until she knows for certain that we are going to take care of him.  It is really super cute.   

She loves that little boy.  

Love Letter to Our Baby Boy

Dear Baby,

Thank you for being my little sweetheart.  I hope you know what a joy you are to you daddy and me.  These past several weeks as your mommy have been among the happiest of my life. 

You are starting to develop such a cute little personality.  You are pretty mellow and don’t really fuss very much (except when you are getting your diaper changed!).  Lately though, you really don’t like to be put down!  This works pretty well for me because I don’t really like to put you down.  Let’s just say I am getting pretty talented at doing things one handed. 

You love your bath.  You love getting dried off next to a toasty space heater all wrapped up in your cute little monster towel.  You are getting the cutest little rolls on your thighs!  Is there anything cuter than fat, rolly, baby thighs?  Nay!  We LOVE that you are getting so chunky! 

Those chubby cheeks of yours are too cute for words.  I can’t go more than two seconds without kissing them.  Seriously.  Half the time you have traces of lip gloss all over your face.  I can’t help it.  I have to smooch you as often as possible before you grow up and try to stop me.   

Yesterday, you woke up and were all smiles.  It absolutely melted my heart!  You have smiled before, but you are just learning how to interact through facial expression.  I think my favorite sight in the whole world is your smile!  I will make all kinds of ridiculous faces and do all sorts of silly things to earn one of those smiles.  I always whip out the camera to try and capture it, but photographing your gummy grin is easier said than done.  Once you see that camera, you usually become all serious.  Little toot. 

You love your daddy.  When he picks you up when he comes home from work, you give him an “I missed you Dad,” smile.  I love watching my boys together.  Your daddy loves to talk to you and talk for you.  He has an “M voice” where he says all the things he thinks you are thinking.  

I adore the little noises you make.  My favorite sound in the world is you sucking on your pacifier.  I have recorded seventeen hours (give or take) of you enjoying your binky.  I love drifting off to sleep to that sound.  My favorite lullaby.  It’s also really cute to listen to you drinking your bottle.  You are quite a messy, noisy eater!  Daddy and I like to talk about how funny it would be if adults were so vocal while enjoying a good meal.  It wouldn’t be so cute if we slurped and sloshed like you, but it’s simply irresistible when you do it. 

You are such a cute little guy.  You always get lots of oohs and ahhs when we’re out and about.  You get lots of compliments on your abundance of hair and plump little cheeks.  You are starting to get a receding hairline like a grandpa!  I’m sad to see all that cute hair go, but you would be the cutest baby in the world even if you were as bald as an egg. 

You have lots of nicknames: Mister, Teddy Bear, Sweetheart, Honey, Handsome, Stinkerpot, Little Fatso (Don’t think this one is mean!  We LOVE that you are a little chunky baby!  It is a most affectionate compliment!), Little One, Little Toot… we make up more every day.

Oh little one, I hope you always know how blessed I feel to get to be your momma.  We are just so smitten with our little man. 

love,

Mommy 

Happy Mother’s Day

Tomorrow is my first Mother’s Day as a mother.  I have spent so much time thinking about how grateful I am for our little boy.

I have also been thinking about how grateful I am for the many amazing women who have touched my life.

First and foremost, my own mother.  My dearest friend.  My great support.  The person that has shown me more than any other what it means to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  She has cried with me and cheered for me and celebrated with me and believed in me.  I aspire to be just like her when I grow up. 

And my sweet mother-in-law, who in addition to loving and accepting me as one of her own children, raised an amazing son who turned out to be one terrific husband and daddy. 

Of course I am grateful for our Natalie.  The angel girl that made me a mommy.  The person whose selflessness and example has forever changed my life.  I adore her.  Not only for the blessing she is to our family, but for the sweet person she is. 

I am grateful for the many other wonderful women, with and without children, who have reached out to me with a mothers heart.

I wish each of you a happy day and hope that you know how much you are loved and how deeply your influence is felt.  On a day created to honor those amazing women who have most influenced our lives, I hope we can make each special daughter of God feel included and loved. 

Here is one of my favorite talks on motherhood, “Are We Not All Mothers.” 

And here is a an awesome article written by a birthmother on the meaning of Mother’s Day. 

A Rising Star

In just one short month of life so far, M Bug has managed to get some major screen time (well, for an infant, at least).  While we were out of town to pick the little dude up from the hospital, my co-anchor had asked me to send pictures of him whenever we could.  So I obliged and sent a few images from the very first time we got to hold him.  Less than a week after M was born, this aired on Channel 6:



And thus the Boise TV market got to know the bundle of chub. We of course didn't see it live on the air, but that's what cool about the internet.

Now, in May, we're in the middle of what's called 'sweeps' in the TV industry. May is one of 4 months out of the year when Nielsen ratings are calculated, so news stations everywhere are always trying to round up their best coverage and presentation during those months (pay attention during February, May, July, and November, no matter where you live; you'll notice the local stations have a lot more in-depth/investigative stories, a lot more promotion for the stories ahead of time (including on their websites and even local radio stations), and there will often be reporter pieces that are significantly longer than a normal piece, and/or divided up in a series over several nights. Now you can sound smart when you explain all this to your friends). So naturally, when my co-producer, Natalee, and I (not to be confused with M's birth mom, Natalie) were coming up with ideas for morning show segments that could hopefully grab some viewers, we thought M just HAD to make a cameo.

Fortunately, we knew of a great place in town that offers fun craft ideas for a holidays like Mother's Day. They have a lot of bright, hand-painted ceramics to show off in our studio, along with the perfect segue to M’s first live TV appearance with Daddy.

 

How'd he do? Maybe, just maybe, there's another reporter in the fam.

"Put me down, Dad!  I don't want to be here!"

 

 

You have been warned, Brian Williams.

One Month Old Already?!?

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! He’s getting so big so fast!  I can’t stand it!  

I mean I want him to grow up big and strong.  I love watching him learn new things (He has recently discovered his hands.  He LOVES to chew on them and grab things and pull my hair…).  It is so fun to interact with him as he grows more aware of his surroundings and the people around him.  He is so smart and vibrant and I am glad he is progressing. 

But does it have to go by so dang fast? 

I hate putting him down to sleep because I know when he wakes up he’s going to be a little bit different.  Baby Boy, can’t you just stay little forever?