The L Fell Off The Wall

The arrival of our sweet baby is just days away.  We are so happy and so grateful and so excited!  We have marveled again and again over all the pieces that had to be in place for our birthmom to find us.  The pain that we felt over our failed adoption has faded.  I don’t know if scams are typically referred to as “failed placements.”  But as far as I am concerned, we planned on a baby for three months only to lose him a week before his “due date.”  Sounds like a failed placement to me. 

When it was discovered that our first adoption experience was a scam, for days I felt kind of numb.  I was broken hearted that the baby we had dreamed of didn’t exist.  I didn’t know how to mourn such a unique loss.  And I was worried.  Worried how I would feel if we got another opportunity.  My trust had been shattered.  Would I be able to love as freely as I had before?  Or would I feel tentative and uncertain?  Afraid to freely share my heart, only to have it be stepped on.

One day shortly after things had fallen apart, I walked into the nursery.  I know that for some individuals who have experienced a failed placement, the nursery becomes the most painful room in the house. This wasn’t the case for me. But when I went in there I did feel perplexed.  You see, I made all the little blankets and painted all the pictures for HIM. Each stitch, every brushstroke, was made with him in mind. Yes, when we originally started decorating, we knew we wanted the nursery to be gender neutral, and it pretty much is. But all the little clothes in the closet, and the little shoes on the shelf, all the special little details were for the baby boy we were planning on. 

I wondered what should I do?  Replace every detail I had so lovingly prepared?  

Now I am not a superstitions person.  But I did make an interesting discovery that had personal meaning when I stepped into the nursery on that sad, rainy day. 

The “L”  in our little wall collage had tumbled to the floor.  And the symbolism of the moment struck me.  The room that held our old dreams can just as well hold our new ones.  Though baby “L” won’t be joining our family maybe baby “M” will or baby “C” will.  

I realized that the blankets and clothes, they are just things.  Things can be returned or replaced.  Neatly tucked away until they are needed.  Things don’t hold feelings.  People hold feelings.  I could and would love the baby that was meant to be ours with a love just as powerful and real as before.  I made those quilts and playthings for OUR baby.  The baby who is meant to join our family.  And it would not be a betrayal to the baby meant to be ours to shower him with the gifts that I had made for him before I knew who he was.     

The Savior has replaced the hurt in my heart with love.  I needn’t have worried about not being able to feel as freely as I did the first time.  It simply hasn’t been the case.  I love our baby boy due to join us in just a few days.  So incredibly much.  I love his birthmom more than I could possibly express.  She is amazing.  She is honestly one of the most kind, cheerful women I have ever met.  We adore her.  We treasure our relationship with her.  We are grateful beyond measure that Heavenly Father helped us find each other. 

So if you have experienced a disappointment like ours and are wondering, like I did, if you will ever be able to love again, I promise you: you will.  The baby meant to be yours will hold a special place in your heart.  A different one than before, but one just as meaningful.  Don’t be afraid to share your love with others.  It can be hard after you are burned, but don’t give up.  Rely on the Savior.  He alone can make beauty from ashes. 

And He will.   

Handsome Like Daddy Indeed

Lately I have done something that I didn’t let myself do for a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Pick out baby clothes. It used to be sad for me to walk past the baby section of stores, and I would totally avoid doing so if at all possible. It was just too hard. Since getting approved, I allowed myself to pick out just a few gender-neutral items, but really didn’t allow myself to get too into purchasing things.

Now with Baby Boy due to make his appearance in just a few weeks, I have been happily getting ready. For the first time in years, picking out little baby clothes hasn’t been hurtful, but really fun! In fact, usually after we make some or other baby purchase I hold it in my lap on the way home from the store so I can steal glances at it. Spencer teases me a little bit, but I just get so excited to pick out something for Baby that I HAVE to admire my latest little treasure for the car ride back to the house.  I have just waited to do this for so long! 

Here are a couple of my favorite finds.

Look at that little frolicking fox fellow! And the little feet! And the little paw prints!:

Or how about this little beauty.  Who doesn’t enjoy a beanie with ears?: 

What gets me most about baby clothes are the precious little details on the bum!  I do adore a little puppy/monkey/football on the bum! 

Also, my latest favorite has been whales.  I mean look at this bib.  EEEEE:

Or this little gem:

All this baby clothes shoppin’ has gotten me thinking.  Why should baby’s be the only one’s to enjoy a fat happy whale decal on the rump?

Answer: they shouldn’t. 

So I whipped up some fancy shmancy pantaloons for my husband dearest.  So he and Baby can match you know.  

The best part is he can wear them to work (I kid, I kid) !  You know, business in the front, party in the back :). 

“Honey I’m home!” 

 

Is he a good sport for modeling those lovely britches or what?  I’m real excited for him to be a daddy.  He’s gonna be a good one.   

Worth The Wait

Even though our family has experienced some rough times recently, we are so happy and so blessed. 

The most lovely expectant mother has chosen to place with us, and we are expecting a baby boy at the beginning of April (just a few weeks away EEEE!).

We love Baby and baby’s momma more than we could possibly say.  She is sweet and kind as can be.  We can’t wait to tell you more about the miracles that have come to our little family.  Baby’s story is truly an amazing one.  He has touched so many lives and he’s not even here yet! 

We are so thankful for the support we have received and the many prayers offered in our behalf.  Thanks for thinking of our family! 

Adoption Scammer Alert

This was a hard post to write and an even harder post to post.  And I’ve put it off for a few reasons, but I finally decided to share our experience so I can hopefully prevent what happened to us from happening to one of my friends. 

As you know, a few weeks ago, our adoption plan fell through.  What you don’t know is that we were scammed. 

Natasha was never pregnant.
 
I know it is mind boggling that someone could trick us into believing that they were nine months pregnant.  For her part, Natasha was very convincing.  We weren’t the only ones fooled.  Natasha’s parents, her bishop, her caseworker, and even the birthfather all believed she was really pregnant.  Of course, so did we. 

I mean, we spent time with her in person!  She looked pregnant.  She walked the walk (literally) and talked the talk.  I don’t know that I have ever met anyone more convincingly deceitful.

Many of the red flags that usually accompany scammers simply weren’t there.  She wasn’t after money or resources.  It was a purely emotional scam.  

Unlike most scammers, Natasha was closely involved with an adoption agency (ours).  She even had a caseworker that she was working with.  The agency failed to get medical confirmation of a pregnancy.  My advice for any of you who are adopting would be to not assume anything.  We simply trusted that the contact that we had made through our agency was legitimate.  Since we live several states away from this girl, it would be difficult for us to verify for ourselves what was truly going on.  We took for granted that since caseworkers were so heavily involved, the pregnancy was real.  It was not until after everything had blown up that we were told that medical proof of pregnancy is NOT an agency requirement to service an “expectant mother.”

It makes me sad that what happened to us is completely preventable. 

I would suggest that you make sure that your agency has verifiable proof of pregnancy.  I know it should seem like a given, but I cannot emphasize enough that YOU need to be the one pushing for this.  Follow up, even if you feel silly doing so. 

It has been interesting the spectrum of emotions that I have experienced throughout this struggle.
Sadness, of course.  We had to mourn the loss of our baby.  And believe me, the loss was very real, even though the baby wasn’t.  It is a strange pain to deal with. 

What makes me more upset than anything is that she not only hurt us, but others as well.  It has been really sad for me to see what Natasha’s actions did to my parents.  They were so excited for us!  It was hard to tell them that everything had come crashing down.  It was difficult and embarrassing to tell everyone. 

To be honest, I don’t think our adoption was general knowledge until literally THE DAY before everything fell apart (only a couple of weeks before her “due date”).  We had told some friends and family about the baby, and I talked about it here on my little blog, but most of our ward really didn’t know what was going on.  How ironic that the day after we finally decide to share our good news, the good news disappears.  But at some point you have to live for what you believe to be true.  We believed she was pregnant, so we acted accordingly.  We have waited too long and hoped too hard to not get excited!  The anticipation is part of the fun of the experience! 

It is sad for me that Natasha robbed us of the unrestrained joy we felt before.  Don’t get me wrong, we will always be over the moon excited for any baby that comes into our home.  If anything, this experience has made me appreciate our future babies even more.  I am trying really hard not to let what happened to us in the past spoil our excitement for the future.  And I really do think I am doing pretty well!  I am just saying it is hard to get burned.   

Confusion.  It is hard to understand why someone would do something so cruel to honest people.  We freely loved her and supported her all while she was manipulating us.  Part of the reason I hesitated to write all this was because for even though Natasha deeply hurt us, I feel sorry for her.  You have to be very psychologically sick to do what she did.  I don’t want to exploit someone mentally ill. 

However, I equally don’t want her to do what she did to us to someone else.  I want to warn all of you.  It has recently come to light that she is a repeat offender.  I have removed the posts I have written about her for the time being.  But if you suspect that she is trying to scam you, please send me an e-mail and I can give you details and photos. 

Fear.  I admit that after this experience, learning to trust has been hard at times.  I thought I knew her, but more importantly I thought I knew myself.  I have generally been a good judge of character.  How could I not see through her act?  I know I shouldn’t internalize it, and to be honest I have come a long way.  It has been a process to lift the blame from my shoulders and rest it on hers, where it belongs.  It is not my fault that we were deceived.  Yes, there are things I have learned and things I could have done differently, but the fact of the matter is I didn’t do anything wrong.

All in all, Spencer and I are doing amazingly well!  We are so happy right now and aren’t trying to drudge up sympathy or attention.  Please know that I did not write any of this out of bitterness.  It really is with a sincere desire to hopefully help someone else.  It was a vulnerable thing for me to share, but it will be worth it to spare some other couple the horrors we went through. 

A Man of Courage

This is a couple of months old now, but I had fun making this video. It was a Christmas present I made for Whitney's dad. Over the years, he has made lots of videos and slide shows for his family members at special occasions, such as birthdays or graduations. He made a slide show for us which we played on a TV during our wedding reception. He's always done such a good job, so now it was his turn to get one made for him.



Yep, he was meant to be courageous.

How We’re Doing

Good! 

Really, we are happy!  Really truly happy!  We just had a very fun weekend away.  It was delightful to get out of town for a little bit and visit friends and family.  I have some fun pictures and videos of our trip to share really soon. 

Our little family has experienced so many miracles lately.  We have never felt the power of prayer more strongly in our entire lives.  We are so grateful for all of our loved ones who have been praying for us and thinking about us.  We have felt those prayers in a very real, very tangible way.  It has been amazing.  Thank you so much for supporting us and loving us.  We are so blessed.   

Happy Monday everyone! 

Behind The Scenes

Spencer’s typical morning at work.

Spencer recently did a feature piece on a behind the scenes look at Good Morning Live.  It was so cute I had to share.  I love that my Spencer loves what he does for work so much.  I thought it was kind of fun to get a peek of what goes on behind the camera.  Hope you’ll enjoy it too.